Rudy claimed he's only got $7,000 left to his name, (not counting the $3 million book offer that he must have forgotten about, and hey, that can happen to anybody).

And Judi claimed she's so broke that she's in the minus category - like $45,000 in debt - despite working at a job she never seems to have to go to, and getting child-support payments for a child she doesn't live with. Dear God! She may have to cut down on Hermes scarves.

But help is on the way - in the form of more! more! more! litigation. Rudy wants to get his hands on Donna's bank account because, said Felder without a hint of irony, "This is a man who pays his own way in life." (Excluding rent, phone and utilities that come with the gig.) It's that premium cable TV. It always adds up to more than you think.

Nathan, meantime, asked the court to up her child-support payments - despite the fact her daughter's been living with her dad since December. Why Bruce Nathan doesn't ask for child support, I don't know.

Please, God - is it January 2002 yet?

Must-see TV

IF you thought Saddam Hussein was feared and hated in the role of international terrorist, it's nothing compared to the fear and loathing he'll generate in his upcoming position - TV producer.

Yes, his (well, almost certainly his) anonymously published, very racy novel "Zabibah and the King" is about to become a miniseries. But "Zab" (Hollywood talk) will be shown only on Iraqi TV - until it's pirated four minutes later, that is.

Since the miniseries is going to be loaded with lots of steamy sex, it brings up the question of just who will play the steamy scenes, since 95 percent of Iraqis are Muslim.

Punishment for adultery, as you've heard, can be as simple as 100 lashes, or as strict as being stoned to death after getting buried in the ground to just above your breasts (men get buried up to the waist).

And you thought the casting couch was tough on actresses!

Tidal wave

NOTICE to swimmer Tom Gallagher, who's doing a 300-mile charity swim to raise money for a school for kids with Down's syndrome: After reading about your near-arrest by cops who mistook you for an escaped Rikers inmate, The Moses & Aaron Foundation for handicapped kids and Bally Total Fitness called me to say they'll donate the entire fitness center for the school. If you've finished swimming by Monday night, you can find them at their fun fund-raiser at the China Club. Or call here.

An exorcise in absurdity

IF, to paraphrase Dylan, everybody must get stoned for committing adultery (well, in some places, anyway), at the Vatican they're more concerned with married sex. Of the clerical kind.

In what can only be described as a well-thought-out, logical conclusion, the Vatican's chief exorcist told the National Enquirer the marriage of Archbishop Emmanuel Milingo is nothing a good exorcism can't fix.

The Vatican's man, Fr. Gabriele Amorth, said Milingo - who's quite the exorcist himself - has simply been exposed to the devil too many times. "Satan took possession of him, and led him into this grotesque wedding, " he said.

Since divorce is not possible for the Catholic cleric, an exorcism seems a good second choice. Amorth says he'd be happy to exorcise him - even by phone - but Milingo hasn't called him back.

After going through a divorce myself, I urge Milingo to pick up the darned phone. Believe me, exorcism's a walk in the park compared to dealing with divorce lawyers.

You've got e-mail

FROM MLR: "Why is Rudy so attractive to women? He's going bald, he publicly claims he can't have sex, and now he's broke. I'll stick to chubby cops." . . . From dmatalene: "I got off the escalator at Saks' shoe sale behind a very expensively dressed lady, who took one look and sniffed, 前h, God - it's like a flea market in Bangladesh!' Yep, I bet those Bangladeshis are lined up around the block to pay $300 for sale shoes."

E-mail: linda@nypost.com